Balance, Pacing, PTSD...and a schedule

The current theme in my life...Balance and Pacing...

oh, how I have struggled with balance

As with all lessons in life, this one comes as a startling reminder that I have much to learn about myself. The way I have lived my life is not creating the most optimal me. I feel like I have given the universe a big blank cheque to overhaul the Paula Timm I once knew.

As with all life lessons, there is a start, the day we realize we need a change. If you have followed my life, this blog, or my Facebook posts, you may already know the answer to this question. It was the day I woke up in ICU, this life-altering day commenced with my death during surgery whilst removing my colon in exchange for an ostomy. I knew that this was my last chance to get 'it' right. I knew Balance and Pacing were paramount characters in getting it right, and since the surgery I have tried to get it right on my own.

The latest life lesson nudge came from my Gastroentrologist, great doctor and really great guy. In short, he asked me to consider therapy for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder to help me make rational decisions around my medical care. I wasn't shocked or upset; rather I knew I was ready to seek help. I could only avoid the obvious for so long, 2.5 years to be exact.

The funny part of this story is the first doctor I sought out at Alberta Mental Health Services told me what I wanted to hear,

Doctor: “You don't have PTSD”

Me: "PERFECT! I am good, no other work required, move along..."

that moment when you realize it's you.

Not so fast, sly guy, the doctor referred to me to the other therapists within the clinic. What one therapist doesn't see as textbook PTSD is another’s definition of PTSD. I now have a Social Worker, an Occupational Therapist, and a Dietitian. And as a team, we are working together to bring balance, pacing, personal goals, emotional management and health into my life. I may not need medication to help my PTSD but I do need help to regulate decision-making and emotional responses.

Until now I have limped along with this complex web of PTSD, bad habits, irregular energy, emotional outbursts, and sickness. In mathematical terms it could be written as below formula:

I do too much = crash (get sick, meltdown, freak out)

convalesce (heal, shutdown, sleep)

The new approach is mindful and balanced to create good habits, goals, and decisions. Here is a snapshot of the thought process:

First step, Notice: 

what are my responsibilities? when do I eat? when do I cook/clean/shop/paint?  etc....

Second step, Define: 

what do I want/need to do? art career, appointments, social time, exercise, household/food and rest

Third step, Schedule:

make time for all the parts, make a calendar, set reminders

Fourth step, Notice:

what is working in the new schedule? where do I break the rules? how do I respond?

Fifth step, Integrate:

change the program, journal progress, add or delete tasks or time allotment 

within structure there is freedom

I now have a schedule that tells me where to fit in my activities and rest. This wisdom allows me freedom in my activities and my thoughts. 
For example; 
if I have a 'home day', I can bake or meal-plan. 
if I have an 'out day', then I plan appointments and have a meal preplanned for that day. 
if the unexpected happens, I know what activity has been sacrificed and I can reschedule the displaced activity. 

Most importantly, if I am doing too much and I get tired, I can alter the schedule so that I don't repeat the intensity again.

I try not to take life too seriously..but there is wisdom in zen

It might seem a leap, PTSD symptoms, create a schedule and acquire pacing and balance in my life. Can it be that easy? Maybe. I feel calmer allowing me to focus on the present. Perhaps proper pacing allows a mindfulness of my thoughts, a slowing of the fast whirring thoughts of doubts and fears. Perhaps pacing creates time and space to reflect and to make wise decisions. 

I chose to share this intimate part of my life because so many people don't know where to turn or are afraid of the stigma of mental health and therapy.  Like I suggested earlier, I feel like I have written a blank cheque to overhaul my life for the better, I couldn't be happier with my future and my present. And for the first time, I no longer fear taking on my dreams, as it is no longer at the cost of my health, both mental and physical.

What an amazing gift to have the support and guidance of these therapists whilst I learn Pacing and Balance.